The Ultimate Guide to Spring Break 2019

Spring break is quickly approaching, and for just a small fee of several hundred dollars, college kids get the opportunity to take a break from binge drinking and abusing drugs to binge drink and abuse drugs in a moderately warmer location. For many, it’s the greatest week of the year, and I can say from experience that it’s worth every single penny.

Way back in ‘15, I sold my Xbox 360 on eBay, my roommate’s “stolen” bicycle on Craigslist, and my Adderall script on frat row, so I could afford to go to Panama City Beach and share a hotel bed with my 200 pound friend and whichever 120–220 pound girl he had over that night.

It was a magical time. And fellas, I can say this with certainty: Nothing beats the feeling of being in the presence of thousands of hot, drunk college girls from universities all across the country. Despite the fact that you’ll probably (voluntarily or involuntarily) refrain from interacting with them and just hang out with the same 4–8 people you hang out with every weekend in college instead, being in the same general setting as random, attractive girls is an unbeatable feeling.

Anyway, when I was doing some research on spring break tips and tricks, I came across this fantastic “Do and Don’t” guide in the “r/Frat” subreddit:

I’m not trying to hate on the author of that post, because he’s obviously overwhelmingly successful in all facets of life (especially at pleasuring women from a wide variety of sororoties and consciousness levels)…

But…

That guide is only helpful if you’re the most sexually dominant intramural star in your entire fraternity. The rest of us…well we need a simpler guide to follow. So I decided to translate his Expert Mode tips into an Easy Mode list for regular guys and common young men to follow.

Do: Bring a conservative amount of condoms

Quality over quantity with this one. When I was a young stud prepping for spring break, I always made sure to pack my three lucky condoms, and I never forgot to leave without them.

Do: Pay a frat flag cover fee

Luring six chapters worth of hoes to your flagpole is a move that only the most alpha Kappa Alphas can pull off. And you know what they say: If you can’t beat them, offer them money to join them.

Approach the friendliest looking member of the flag gathering (he’s usually helping the severely intoxicated girl who’s throwing up, and obtaining her number for medical emergency purposes) and offer him $20+ to stand with his squad.

Don’t try to be sly and sneak into their outdoor bash either. I can’t think of a more embarrassing scenario than getting WhoDoYouKnowHere’d and kicked out of an unofficially claimed section of a public beach.

While you can’t argue the logic that more alcohol would be consumed if you spent more total hours consuming alcohol, slamming thirty drinks in a single day is a move that only the most powerful Keg-Killing Kyles, Coors-Crushing Connors, and Key-Bumping Keegans can pull off.

Do: Save luggage space and just buy an appropriate amount of alcohol from a nearby liquor store.

Pretty self explanatory and I don’t think you can go wrong with this strategy.

“Getting in good” with girls by wearing the same apparel as them is a move that requires Bundyesque charm and elite natural swagger.

Do: Wear designer letters when you go out.

I’m talking about expensive brands like Gucci, fellas. Those infamous interlocking Gs will get you closer to the G spot than any Greek triangles or sideways Ms.

Don’t: Be a viral pussy. 

Being a pussy is something that a lot of us can’t control. What you can control, on some occasions, is where and when you’re being a pussy.

If you sense that you’re about to get the shit beat out of you, or humiliated in any manner, by a Gallon-Guzzling Garrett or an Anabolic Anthony, then start retreating to a more private location where no one can film you getting embarrassed and upload it to the internet.

Don’t: Be “that guy” who dies. 

While it’s certainly never a good idea to be a Hazeworthy Hayden or a Door Duty Derek, not everyone has the natural drinking abilities and titanium tolerances as a Pledge-Paddling Patrick, Lawyered Up-Lawrence, or Case-Beating Casey.

Avoid overwhelming sadness for your family and pesky lawsuits for your boys by simply not dying from alcohol-related causes.

Getting laid MULTIPLE times by the concerned sister of a random unconscious girl is a move that takes years of experience in similar situations. Not everyone has the sex stats of a Statutory Steven or the QB success rate of a Xan-Slipping Xander.

Do: Help your boys and only your boys.

Helping a random girl in danger, with no ulterior motives, is a risky move because you’ll potentially get caught looking overly beta in front of other, cognizant girls who aren’t related to her. Just play it safe and stick to helping your boys.

I don’t know if this is an anal bead innuendo or if he’s talking about beads that are worn around the neck. Assuming the latter, and that he’s referring to using the beads to coerce an overabundance of girls to show you their boobs, then that’s just unrealistic for mid-tier men and Chad Lites.

Do: Bring money to buy girls drinks. A lot of money. You’ll run out. 

If you’re a mediocre dude and your batting average is somewhere in the .250 range, that means it’ll take four swings at buying girls drinks to get one hit. Assuming the girl requires at least three drinks before she finally says “fuck it,” then that’s a total of 12 drinks you’ll have to be prepared to buy. If my math is correct, you’re looking at approximately $120 per day on Hail Mary cocktails and half court shots alone.

Okay…this man’s dick deserves a Purple Heart. I can’t even fathom the amount of ferocious fucking and death-defying dick stunts he must’ve done on this spring break trip alone. I don’t even know how to translate this tip, except that you won’t have to worry about breaking your penis or having it stolen by an evil cervix or something.

Edit: I’m being told that keeping a Juul on deck is also necessary.

Juuls didn’t exist when I was in college, so we improvised and avoided a severe nicotine addiction instead. But now they seem to be a tasty treat and an easy “in” for meeting girls.